Friday, June 30, 2006

Between Friends!

I am deeply moved by the all words of support in comments and emails and will, by early next week, reply to each of you.

It is a joy to be able, in some small way, through sharing personal pilgrimage, to help others.

I leave very early in the morning for a pilgrimage to a lake revered by all the relatives of Blessed Kateri, and many other peoples as well, so won’t be posting for a few days, NOT, because of being back in that swamp of darkness, but because I am on a pilgrimage of thanksgiving.

The area we are headed to has since 1889, been a place of pilgrimage and  is dedicated to St. Anne, Mother of Mary, Grandmother of Jesus.

While the main pilgrimage each year centres around the feast of St. Anne, this one is centered around family life and I will be a guest of, and traveling, with John and Lucille, who are for me, as Martha, Mary and Lazarus were for Jesus, a true Bethany!

During the long weekend, besides conferences, Holy Mass, family time, there is also perpetual adoration of the Blessed Sacrament – so I will be spending time in prayer specifically for the two great nations, cousins truly, who celebrate our national days at the very beginning of the month dedicated to His Most Precious Blood – I speak, of course, of Canada [ July 1 ] and the United States [ July 4 ].

May I say – between friends:    in both nations we enjoy the greatest amount of freedom on the face of the earth,  though for many of our brothers and sisters poverty, illness, addictions, imprisonment, loneliness and other burdens mean  they suffer immensely.

Yet there is, rooted in our shared Christian tradition especially, a true compassion not only for our own but for those who suffer around the world.

Of this generosity towards the world’s poor, this generosity of blood of both our people’s to defend the oppressed, the speed at which we respond to disasters around the globe, of this and much more we should be truly proud, filled with joy, and give thanks to the Most Holy Trinity for all the blessings we enjoy.

It is too easy to be critical of the weaknesses in our countries, or even disagreements between us or within each nation.

Granted free speech, dissent around government policy, etc., these form an essential part of our freedom.

However, at least on our national days – let us make an effort – at least for the day, honouring our ancestors who forged our nations and those who defend us at home and abroad, smile for each other: across the longest undefended border in the world;  smile with the person beside us; the people we meet throughout the day – maybe even say thank-you!

Thank-you: to every shop keeper, police officer, medic, parks service person, lifeguard; those who keep us safe, fed, protected, enable us to travel; and for every military person, clergy,  indeed with everyone we meet.

Yes I do believe,  if for one day every American and Canadian rejoiced in the presence and gift in our lives of our fellow citizens; if every Canadian and American blessed to meet on either side of the border over these holidays thanked each other’s nation for our friendship…. – well I believe  such a witness of true love among and between our people’s  would put a major dent in the agenda of the terrorists who hate us because we are, quite simply, good, free, people.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Out of the Swamp of Darkness: 3

It came as a real surprise!

A mountain trip!

It truly refreshed me physically, emotionally, spiritually.

I have Lucille to thank [ their blog is:            http://catholiclovedotcom.blogspot.com/  ]
for allowing John take the time to bring me into the mountains.

The mountains are a few hours away from my urban hermitage. The drive itself  was healing as we drove through ever changing beauty of farmland, villages, and this far north, even between cities on busy routes, we are still spared the plethora of roadside signage and countless gas station-restaurant-rest stops, so common elsewhere in the country.

Thus even from a great distance first the foothills, then the mountains themselves, come into clear view in all their majestic reflection of His glorious creation.

Among the many adventures was our hike 7,000 feet up one mountain, with a stroll out onto a glacier where we picked up and chewed refreshing pieces of ice which sparkled in the sunlight, even though it was past 10 in the evening.

That is another wonder of living this far north! At this time of year, just below the actual land of the midnight sun, sunset comes around 11 in the evening, while the sky never goes fully dark in the couple of hours before the first hint of dawn appears.

I mention the above because there is a gap between the struggle described in these recent posts and now actually emerging out of the swamp of darkness – granted just emerging  now,  yet far enough that I, especially after the hike 7, 000 feet up, know the grace of ascent has been granted.

So while I continued therapy I also needed to, and did, re-avail myself of all the resources the Spirit offers us through the ministry of Holy Mother the Church, in the Sacraments and sacramentals.

Thus, in the struggle out of the swamp of darkness, frequent reception of Divine Mercy through sacramental confession, daily fidelity to the celebration of Holy Mass, with Christ communicating Himself to me in the Holy Eucharist,  receiving from time to time over the months the Sacrament of Healing of the Sick, the blessing each day of my hermitage with Holy Water, are among the various resources of which I take full use.

Because he is such a coward the evil one, no matter how he might package it, has only one thing to offer: rupture of our relationship with the Giver of all good gifts.

Satan prefers to hound those wounded, exhausted, ill, weakened in some way, for he avoids those strong in Christ, only assaulting them when they let their guard down.

His preferred mode of assault is primarily with his deceptions and discouragement, then when the soul becomes exhausted by these he switches to various temptations of ill-temper, lust, self-comforting, etc., etc.

Now the great illusion herein is that satan somehow pays primary attention to us, even cares somehow. In truth, because he is anti-love, he is incapable of caring for anyone. He can only hate. Indeed  his one and only obsession is his spiritually insane hatred of Christ.

Satan attacks us in a vain attempt to reach Christ within us – Christ already victorious.  However unless we cling to Christ who has already overcome the evil one and death, we will be vulnerable to the wiles of the evil one.

As the first pope teaches, and in the intensity of 21st century spiritual warfare we should all heed: Stay sober and alert. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion seeking for someone to devour. Resist him, solid in your faith. [ 1 Pt. 5:8-9 ]

It is especially, then, when we are already weakened by some other factor, such as being deeply mired in the swamp of darkness, emotional or physical ill health, grief, stress of various kinds, loneliness etc., etc., that we must beg for the grace of prudent discernment to avoid two serious misjudgements.

The first is to presume something which requires proper medical/therapeutic intervention is ‘merely’ a spiritual struggle and the second is the mirror image of the former, namely, to assume something is ‘merely’ a physical/emotional issue and negate its spiritual dimension.

For every immortal soul everything in our lives has a spiritual dimension to it, from the work of our hands to the work of the Holy Spirit within us.

Indeed the ultimate purpose of work is worship. The ultimate purpose of our worship, especially in the summit event of the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass, is union, spiritual marriage, with the Word.

Such completeness in love with love Himself is truly to receive the fullness of life’s breath!

We need therefore, since anti-love satan does everything possible to interfere with this pilgrimage of work to worship to union, always to be aware that greater than any attempt by the evil one to disconcert, deceive or discourage us – and unless we surrender our wills to him the evil one is only able to attack from outside our being – is the  reality, the truth, that the Holy Spirit Himself dwells within we the baptized, His living temple.  

Without ever diminishing our free-will freedom, the Holy Spirit is unceasingly at work within us: If the Spirit of the one who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, the one who raised Christ from the dead will give life to your mortal bodies also, through His Spirit that dwells in you. [ Rm.8:11 ]

This gift of life’s breath is not only the promise of resurrection but is the gift of true life, fullness of life, in time and history.

Christ’s life within us.

So we should not be surprised, nor stressed out by the fact that everything we experience in this life is ultimately an occasion for grace, can be a dimension of spiritual warfare, of the cross, but always is a matter of love.

Love involves often times pain, struggle, but also mostly joy.

True,  when deep in the swamp of darkness we can forget this and become engulfed in a ‘woe-is-me’ attitude which lies to self that we are the ONLY one all sorts of bad stuff happens to, when in truth struggle, battle, suffering are part of being a real witness of Christ: The dragon grew angry…and went…to wage war with…[those]…who keep God’s commandments and bear witness to Jesus. [Rv. 12:17 ]

So when we are in the swamp of darkness it is critical to be sure we discern what requires proper medical/therapeutic assistance, and get such help, without ever forgetting the spiritual aspects of life, availing ourselves of all the instruments of grace: especially staying close to Our Blessed Mother, being always in her school, for it is she who reminds us constantly, in the depths of suffering: We know everything works for the good of those who love God, who are called according to His purpose. [ Rm. 8.28 ]





Sunday, June 25, 2006

Out of the Swamp of Darkness: 2


“Your presence Father!”

As mentioned in the previous post the two crashes and all the other stress had slammed into me with such impact I was lost and sinking ever deeper in the mire of the swamp of darkness.

Those simple words: “Your presence Father!”, called me out of myself, reminding me of the luminous truth of who I am and they shook me up.

Not in a negatively disturbing way but rather as if being urgently shaken awake.

Thus, as part of the baby steps towards the path, if not yet quite stepping onto the path out of the swamp, I began seriously to -  through silent listening, meditation in Sacred Scripture, spiritual reading on the priesthood by various authors such as Pope John Paul and the Servant of God Catherine Doherty, and most important of all spending  time with my face on the ground before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament - seeking the grace to embrace my powerlessness and trust Him!

I confess that, in the depths of the swamp of darkness, I had begun to question the point of keeping on, keeping on!

Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was protected from that desperate pit of grief wherein the pain is so complete, the hopelessness so absolute, that increasingly appears to be the hopelessness which leads priests who so suffer to commit suicide.

Certainly the multi-year stress, humiliation, frustration, impediment to public ministry, to even dress according to my consecrated state in life; the persistent refusal of my own bishop even to speak with me; the snail’s pace of the appeal process to Rome by which the Holy See compounds the suffering of priests – all of this had me seething with frustration and bent over with discouragement, to the point of seriously considering walking away from the priesthood and turning to the civil courts to attack my accuser, my bishop, my diocese and sue the lot of them into oblivion in the glare of the media, in hopes this would face slap the institutional church into rendering Gospel charity and true justice to priests.

Of course the soul-corrosive sub-text of such disordered thinking, of such writhing in frustration and fury, becomes questioning the very point of any form of loyalty to Christ, the Gospel, the Church, priesthood, vows.

Thus the mire sinking accelerates to the point where the question can indeed become that which leads some priests to take their own lives: Why bother living? Why not end the pain now?

By the lavishness of Divine Mercy I was granted not so much effective personal prayer but grace surely the result of the prayers of others – life’s breath must be asked of the Holy Spirit, along with the grace to open the doors of our being in receptive willingness to cooperate with grace.

Hope is needed, hope indeed is necessary for every human being – hope encourages awakening in the morning, risking asking a beloved’s hand in marriage and with them risking conceiving a child with no guarantees as to how that child’s life will unfold.

Hope enables men to enter the seminary, accept ordination.

Hope allows us, at the time chosen by God, to accept the great step of faith: death.

{ Now here is something which just came to my heart: I don’t doubt that the millions of Catholics who had faithfully pray the “Fatima Prayer” after each decade of the Rosary, with simplicity of heart, do two things: 1] truly trust that the prayer is always answered and 2] assume it is especially for souls at the point of death.

Well I have always understood the prayer as primarily for each of us, for  everyone is “most” in need of mercy – sometimes perhaps more urgently than we realize.

At any rate I believe much grace was given me because others were praying the prayer with such generosity: O my Jesus forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell. Lead all souls to heaven, especially those most in need of Your Mercy.

It is a simple prayer but one – given the immense suffering in our world – we should all pray.}

Next post I will share some about the next step in the struggle: taking in the wisdom of friends and spiritual writers.

Out of the Swamp of Darkness: 2


“Your presence Father!”

As mentioned in the previous post the two crashes and all the other stress had slammed into me with such impact I was lost and sinking ever deeper in the mire of the swamp of darkness.

Those simple words: “Your presence Father!”, called me out of myself, reminding me of the luminous truth of who I am and they shook me up.

Not in a negatively disturbing way but rather as if being urgently shaken awake.

Thus, as part of the baby steps towards the path, if not yet quite stepping onto the path out of the swamp, I began seriously to -  through silent listening, meditation in Sacred Scripture, spiritual reading on the priesthood by various authors such as Pope John Paul and the Servant of God Catherine Doherty, and most important of all spending  time with my face on the ground before Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament - seeking the grace to embrace my powerlessness and trust Him!

I confess that, in the depths of the swamp of darkness, I had begun to question the point of keeping on, keeping on!

Thankfully, by the grace of God, I was protected from that desperate pit of grief wherein the pain is so complete, the hopelessness so absolute, that increasingly appears to be the hopelessness which leads priests who so suffer to commit suicide.

Certainly the multi-year stress, humiliation, frustration, impediment to public ministry, to even dress according to my consecrated state in life; the persistent refusal of my own bishop even to speak with me; the snail’s pace of the appeal process to Rome by which the Holy See compounds the suffering of priests – all of this had me seething with frustration and bent over with discouragement, to the point of seriously considering walking away from the priesthood and turning to the civil courts to attack my accuser, my bishop, my diocese and sue the lot of them into oblivion in the glare of the media, in hopes this would face slap the institutional church into rendering Gospel charity and true justice to priests.

Of course the soul-corrosive sub-text of such disordered thinking, of such writhing in frustration and fury, becomes questioning the very point of any form of loyalty to Christ, the Gospel, the Church, priesthood, vows.

Thus the mire sinking accelerates to the point where the question can indeed become that which leads some priests to take their own lives: Why bother living? Why not end the pain now?

By the lavishness of Divine Mercy I was granted not so much effective personal prayer but grace surely the result of the prayers of others – life’s breath must be asked of the Holy Spirit, along with the grace to open the doors of our being in receptive willingness to cooperate with grace.

Hope is needed, hope indeed is necessary for every human being – hope encourages awakening in the morning, risking asking a beloved’s hand in marriage and with them risking conceiving a child with no guarantees as to how that child’s life will unfold.

Hope enables men to enter the seminary, accept ordination.

Hope allows us, at the time chosen by God, to accept the great step of faith: death.

{ Now here is something which just came to my heart: I don’t doubt that the millions of Catholics who had faithfully pray the “Fatima Prayer” after each decade of the Rosary, with simplicity of heart, do two things: 1] truly trust that the prayer is always answered and 2] assume it is especially for souls at the point of death.

Well I have always understood the prayer as primarily for each of us, for  everyone is “most” in need of mercy – sometimes perhaps more urgently than we realize.

At any rate I believe much grace was given me because others were praying the prayer with such generosity: O my Jesus forgive us our sins, save us from the fires of hell. Lead all souls to heaven, especially those most in need of Your Mercy.

It is a simple prayer but one – given the immense suffering in our world – we should all pray.}

Next post I will share some about the next step in the struggle: taking in the wisdom of friends and spiritual writers.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Thanks Penitens

http://penitens.blogspot.com/atom.xml

It may seem odd to start a post with a link but the word from Penitens in reply to my recent post was the one which truly struck my heart, especially: Keep your eyes fixed on Christ.

I have been doing that all day and tomorrow I must travel to ‘oil town’ for the day and then will spend some time in the mountains writing Part 2 of Out of the Swamp of Darkness.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Out of the Swamp of Darkness: 1

In his volume of commentary on the Holy Gospel, according to St. Matthew: Fire of Mercy Heart of the Word, Erasmo Leiva-Merikakis writes about the First Beatitude – blessed are the poor in spirit: “ We may translate more graphically: ‘How fortunate those who beg for their life’s very breath.’”

Anyone who has experienced any form of inner darkness, any sense of unrelenting grief, spiritual or emotional frustration, clinical or just ordinary depression/dark days, or gone through a critical period of seeming deafness of the divine to persistent prayer, knows exactly  what Leiva-Merikakis means  about begging for ‘life’s very breath’!

It came to my heart, preparing for the Solemnity of Corpus Christi, it was time to resume this, indeed all my abandoned writing – that sense of such coming to my heart was/is, in reality, a merciful gift of grace.

More it is, albeit in some moments a tentative one, little step by step response to grace’s invitation to emerge from the swamp of darkness.

Trust is extremely difficult when in any part of the swamp.

Rescuers well know the phenomena of people lost in deep bush who actually flee away from the sound of those searching for them calling out their name!

Lost long enough in the bush, with all its shadows by day, darkness and cold by night, sounds which while perhaps formerly familiar now appear menacing, all leads to the onset of panic, while, if lost long enough, exhaustion, from the relentless futility of constantly trying to find a path out, and the experience of being suddenly so small, vulnerable, powerless in such a seemingly unending immensity, even hearing one’s name called triggers the flight instinct.

Therefore the first step in the struggle OUT of the swamp of darkness is to plead for the ultimate life’s breath gift of faith, faith enough to believe we will be granted the graced strength to trust the sound of someone calling our name.

Depending on how far into, how deeply we have sunk in the mire of, the swamp of darkness we may need only hear our name from the lips of a family member or friend to, as it were, ‘snap out of it!’

In deep enough and we will need to call our own name into a willingness to cooperate with grace from the One who alone knows our true name and seek out professional help – and be humbly willing to cooperate with that help.

For me it was indeed a friend who noted how far into the swamp I had wandered and he contacted a friend of his, a therapist, who phoned me. When I heard my name, by grace, this time I did not flee but acknowledged I was indeed lost in the swamp and the rescue effort began.

In a word, I had to begin to walk towards the sound of the one calling – their voice being the means by which I would experience anew pure life’s breath.

Lovingly Christ does come to us in the swamp of darkness – but often in ways we may not always expect or be open to because, as Pope Benedict reminded us at Pentecost: “ The roots of our being and of our action are in the wise and provident silence of God.”

The path out of the swamp entails a willingness to withdraw from the noises in the swamp, the noise of our disordered emotions, and all other noise and to listen to this life-rooting, life-activating holy silence of God.

According to my therapist [ an excellent doctor, a good and joyous Christian – the only authentic kind! ] the trigger for my becoming lost, plunged into, miss-stepping into, the swamp of darkness, was the impact of not one, but two car crashes in succession.
Both by the way the result of drivers running red lights and slamming first into the car I was driving and then the next time into the car in which I was a passenger.

Most likely it was the second incident which proved to be the proverbial camel’s back-breaking straw!

The constant stress of being falsely accused of abuse; suspended without due process by my bishop who to this day has never bothered to speak with me; the glacial pace at which the Holy See [ anywhere from an average of 3 to as long as 22 years to resolve appeals ] responds to the cries of the Church’s Priest-Sons; the enormity of the financial burden to appeal against a bishop, who can spend scads of offertory plate money to fight their own priests, while we must beg for funds or incur massive debts; health problems, financial debt laden stress, spiritual struggle because how could God let any of it happen to the children who are abused; [ and how could so many of us find ourselves falsely accused]; the, albeit chosen, burden of trying to comfort hundreds of co-accused, in many, many, many cases, falsely; grieving, again and again, when yet another brother priest, some very young, commits suicide – all of that suddenly engulfed me with the force of a tsunami and dumped me far from the seashore when He stands in His Risen Glory and left me, deep, deep, in the swamp of darkness.

While I constantly, and do so again here, urge everyone to pray for the healing of all victims of abuse, and quick and just settlements of their claims, the complete conversion of all predators so the horror of abuse ends – at the same time I urge prayer for truth, justice, restoration of falsely accused priests and the conversion of bishops who seem in bondage to an odd fear.

My sharing of this struggle out of the swamp of darkness, and revealing the causes of being thrust into the swamp, are not revealed to illicit sympathy, rather to urge everyone who is lost in the swamp to seek and trust professional therapeutic and spiritual help and to not ever give up hope!

Also, while priority must be given to the innocents who have been abused no baptized person, certainly no shepherd in the Church, has the right to refuse forgiveness – and certainly no shepherd in the Church should sleep easy at night if he is sacrificing falsely accused priests to the gods of anger, hatred, vengeance, insurance companies or lawyers.

Christ is emphatic about love, forgiveness – even of our enemies.

Now is not the time to debate the abusive evil of a disordered application of the Dallas protocols or similar ones of other Bishops’ councils around the world, much less the arrogant abuse of certain Canons such as 223 which grant a power to bishops the Church never tolerates in the hands of civil authorities.

Here I am sharing what happens to so many of falsely accused priests: sinking in the swamp of darkness – and some clues as to how to find the path out of the swamp.

For myself I am just at the opening edge of the path, have taken only the first tentative steps, though with each passing day at a more confident and enlightened pace.

There is a sense, finally, of some solid footing, of little shafts of light.

It is a beginning!

Gratitude is a wellspring of growing joy as the journey continues.

First and foremost I am filled with gratitude to my Spiritual Director, the friend and father of my soul, whose love, wisdom, prayer, encouragement – like the proverbial cup of sweet water to the thirsty man – enabled me to accept the graced offer of my friend whose efforts put me in touch with my therapist.

I am grateful to this  good Doctor’s wisdom, professionalism, faith, and infectious joy, is turning bitter tears of frustration into weeping’s healing balm and enables me to turn from being darkly bent towards self once more into the brilliant warm light- and right order - of putting God first, other second, self third.

I thank my family whose patience and truth-speaking-love keeps me on the path, with the same blessing from you John as Simon of Cyrene brought to Jesus when He was burdened for us, and from you Lucille the same comforting coolness to my heart as Veronica with her veil likewise gave to Jesus in His suffering.

Your children, most beloved and treasured John and Lucille, with their unabashed joy every time I visit, remind me, and this I believe is an essential prayer for anyone struggling in the swamp of darkness, to constantly pray as the Servant of God Catherine Doherty taught me: “ God, grant me the heart of a child and the awesome courage to live it out.”

I am filled with gratitude not only to the Staff and Volunteers at the soup kitchen where I help from time to time, but to the homeless we serve.

Christ disguised as the poor, the Poor who bless me with the opportunity to stand unbent and other centered.

Each of my co-suffering brother priests, whose prayers and encouragement are always lavished with true fraternal solidarity, even in the midst of their own constant pain, how I thank-you too and I am honoured to be among you.  

What initially blew me away, but now echoes in my heart as another of the treasured words of the Servant of God: “In God every moment is the moment of beginning again.”, was when one day when things were especially dark and the crushing weight of being suspended from normal priestly ministry was particularly raw, the acting Director of the soup kitchen asked if I could start coming on a regular basis because: “We need your presence, Father.”

YOUR PRESENCE FATHER!

Those words, as far as I know, were originally spoken by the Servant of God Catherine Doherty to a priest who was my confessor for years when he found himself in a place where he had ‘nothing to do’, and he asked Catherine for something to do, a job and she replied with words that encapsulate the critical reality of priesthood: “Your presence Father!”

Priest is who I am, whom all priests are,  NOT what I [ or any priest ] does!

We are in persona Christi.

Knowing full well my situation just this past Sunday the organizer of a major conference asked me to attend, to be PRESENT.

Bishops may suspend without justice, charity or process and impede our ‘doing’ anything – they CANNOT stop our being!

In the next post I will share what that reminder of priestly presence led me, by grace, to rediscover as the next step on the path out of the swamp of darkness.